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“Everything looks good via ultrasound. The doctor said the
baby will have my height,” the text message from my
son-in-law announced. Our first grand-child is expected in a
little over three months. I was happy. My wife’s
exhilarating scream, however, revealed jubilation on a whole
other exponential level – “It’s a GIRL!” she shouted.
Under-celebrated in the community or perhaps overlooked by a
confused society which measures masculinity partly by the
birth of sons is the special relationship between black
fathers and black daughters.
In fact, with two million black men present in U.S. prisons,
but absent – or in the minority – in college, church, civil
rights and community groups, Parent-Teacher Organizations
and black homes, our interventions and solutions have
focused primarily on the injurious effect of fatherlessness
upon males while inattentive to the tremendous impact of the
black father – black daughter relationship.
Yet black girls need daddies too!
Jonetta Barras indicates in Whatever Happened to Daddy’s
Little Girl?:The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women
that black females who are abandoned by their fathers
entertain strong feelings of being unworthy or incapable of
receiving any man’s love and thus are susceptible to
“Fatherless Woman Syndrome.” This condition often results in
a “triple fears” factor: fear of rejection, fear of
abandonment and fear of commitment that in turn often leads
to either promiscuity (“sexual healing”), aversion to
intimacy, or to food, sex, alcohol or drug addictions in
order to shield or mask the attending despair.
Also, with 57 percent of all black children growing up in
single parent households and one-fourth of all black
children living in households where the father is absent,
black daughters “may experience men as a mystery” relying
only on negative media portrayals and stereotypes (Ashby,
2010). Therefore the “ways, movements and perspectives of
men are unknown and unfamiliar so black females have to
guess – how to love or support; not to hate, be afraid of,
reject, dismiss, or be in competition with; and how to feel
supported and loved by a black man.”
Yet, where the presence of black fathers is supportive and
protective, and there exists no abuse, neglect or
exploitation, there are several benefits. Black daughters
whose fathers were positive active participants in their
lives are more likely to:
·
Learn what they are willing to accept from men and are
predisposed to not accept denigration of their personhood or
abusive treatment from black men because it was not modeled
upon them. (a/k/a Papa Don’t Take No Mess and Neither Do I)
·
Learn how to be more assertive and how to stand up to “fight
any notions of inferiority.”
·
Learn verbal skills through constant communication and
conversation which can encourage daughters to speak up and
speak out to demand justice and equality for themselves and
others. “Daddy was my first and most brilliant professor,
and he taught me the meaning of words, of intellectual
power, African-American History, literature, and culture,”
says scholar Daphne Brooks. “Daddy always encouraged me to
make my voice heard, to use my voice and love of writing as
an instrument for change.” (Neal, 2006)
·
Gain emotionally, socially, intellectually and
psychologically; are self-directed, extremely competent and
frequently successful.
·
Have a sense of esteem, of being loved and the confidence to
demand love, respect, and encouragement from others instead
of questioning their worth.
·
Develop their ideals of what to look for in a life partner
and have a proper understanding of what it means to be in
relationship with a black man, improving the chances of
long-term success for the relationship.
·
Have a broader perspective of what African-Americans can be
and what black females can become as well as shaped
expectations of what they might want in a husband.
How can we deal with the persistent problem of father
absence in today’s context?
One major way to deal with the absent black father epidemic
is to become dedicated to media education, awareness and
literacy in order to undo the damage of stereotypes on young
African Americans and to regain control of the black image
that has been used negatively to impose an inferiority
complex.
It is ironic and hypocritical that BET and its president
Debra Lee, prime validators of black oppression through
violence and raunchy objectification, are sponsors of
Leading Women Defined. That is a gathering of prominent
African-American females to address media portrayals of
black women, the problems facing black girls in urban
schools and the state of the black family.
Yet it is important for black men to “close ranks with black
women who resist and challenge the sexism, misogyny, and
patriarchal norms in the community and its institutions” and
to “create spaces where the plight of black girls is taken
seriously.”
At the same time that a father’s absence requires
“sensitizing young black males to the importance of black
women and girls” while also enabling our children to see
black men of excellence – academic, intellectual, ethical,
or technical – in the home and in the media instead of
modeling ignorance, black antisocial behavior and
dysfunction.
In addition, the reality of black unemployment in the
current economic crisis forces us to reconsider what roles
fathers play in the parenting process. Traditional household
gender roles may need alteration. Yet, when children see
their father washing dishes, clothes or otherwise involved
in a shared parenting process it communicates the principle
of equal pay for equal work.
But in the end, we learn finally, that in the process of
raising our daughters that somehow they have rather raised
us, and discover that true manhood is tied to how good a
parent we have been to our children.
Contact
Rev. Dr. Donald Perryman at
drdlperryman@centerofhopebaptist.org
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