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What’s App With You?
By Lafe Tolliver, Esq.
Guest Column
On my list of to-do columns, I have
tinkered with writing about dating apps…you know, those
smart phone or computer sites that promise you the world
with a life of promise and dazzle with a special person that
they can pick for you.
Well, my big mouth and me. I told a
circle of friends about writing such a column and the ladies
in the circle were crazy out loud about my doing it while
the guys were somewhat reticent in getting corralled into
another scheme by which a Mr. or Ms. Right would magically
appear after a series of innocent but probing questions.
I pondered doing such an app but wanted
to first broach the subject by testing a series of the app’s
questions to this circle of confidants so that if and when I
was to actually produce the app, it would have been
focus-tested by those who would actually download the app.
Now, you gotta understand that this
app, if I decide to actually bring it to market, would be
for “us’s” and would be somewhat specific to our world view
and how we (or some of us) were raised in the “hood”…or at
least near the “hood” as truth may allow us without engaging
in outright lies.
As you know, there are many dating apps
already out there in the marketplace trying to match up the
lovelorn with a life partner (marriage for the uninformed)
and some of them are so obtuse that you do not know if you
are coming or going with their arcane questions.
Not so with my app…to be called: Whats/Zup!
It would be generic,
basic and to the point so that any applicant
can feel that they have a chance at love…real love!
If I undertake this awesome challenge
to play Cupid for the lovelorn, I will make sure that if the
applicant submits a photo, it must be of recent vintage so
as to minimize sticker shock when the parties meet for the
first time and Ms. Right, who says that she is 27, is really
found to be pushing 38; and Mr. Right, when he says that he
is 5’ 9” but it turns out that he is an adorable runt of 5’
3”, we can minimize date violence!
So, with those above caveats in mind,
allow me to test run some sample questions on you. Feel free
to write me if you got some zingers to add. I am looking
forward to getting emails in the future, where, do to my
Whats/Zup app, couples are sending me photos from Aruba
while on their honeymoon.
Question One: On the first date, you both go
to a toney restaurant and the final tab is $147.50, who pays
for it?
(1) The guy since he asked you out to this
money pit.
(2) The girl since you did not have enough
common sense to say it was way too expensive for a first
date.
(3) Split it and call it a day.
(4) Create drama in the restaurant and you
both slowly sneak out during the commotion.
Question Two: You are asked about your job
status. What do you say?
(1) In between jobs (between Wendy’s and
Arby’s)
(2) In search of a job that appreciates my
potential.
(3) A team leader in client development
(works at a call center calling deadbeats about their
delinquent accounts).
(4) Provider of medical processing data
(frequent blood plasma center donator)
Question Three: In an emergency, can I count
on you to stand by me?
(1) Depends upon how much standing I gotta
do!
(2) Sorry, don’t do Western Union money
grams.
(3) Does it involve your baby’s daddy or
baby’s momma?
(4) My cell phone just died, call me
later…much later.
Question Four: It is our fourth date; can I
bring you home to meet Mom and Dad?
(1) Uh…depends on where Mom and Dad live…just
being honest.
(2) Let’s not rush things…Mom and Dad aren’t
going anywhere (and maybe so is this relationship!).
(3) Gotta make sure that your Dad is not a
cop and he will not run a
background check on me.
(4) Never did like the number four…let’s wait
a while!
Question Five: You two are at a park and man
comes up to you and
demands that your date allows him to see his
three kids. What do you do or say?
(1) Let me go check the trunk for the missing
picnic basket blanket (translated: I am out of here!).
(2) Play dumb and watch the squirrels gather
nuts…maybe one like you.
(3) Say to yourself, “remind me to tear up
her phone number when I get home.”
(4) Three kids?! You told me that you had
three nieces…not kids!
Question Six: The app question asks: What is
your highest level of
education. How do you answer?:
(1) Scott High grad! Enuff said.
(2) It is not what a person knows, it is how
they use wisdom!
(3) Sounds like a gold digger question to me!
(4) Education? That is a white man’s thing!
Question Seven: Your date wants you to go to
church with her. What do you say or do?
(1) The ball game will be on! Do they have an
evening service?
(2) Go to church but get lost in finding the
place and so you go back home.
(3) Go to church but leave to go to the
parlor to take an “important” cell phone call that
conveniently lasts for about an hour.
(4) Forget to set your clock and you
oversleep.
Question Eight: On the first outing, while at
a restaurant, you notice that your date is readjusting her
dentures, her wig is crooked and her contacts are bothering
her. What do you do or say?
(1) What else is falling apart with her!
(2) Excuse yourself to visit the wine cellar
and you escape out of the rear door to your car.
(3) Continue with the date knowing that the
next time you use the app…
Whats/Zup! You will ask the right questions!
(4) Very calmly, after a half hour of her
constant adjustments, you her, “Zyvontarria” (yes, that is
her name…’Zee’ for short), is there something that you
should to tell me?
As you can plainly see, the dating world
is fraught with both promise and peril, so, it behooves you
to maximize your chances with the app that will soon be
storming the dating scene…Whats/Zup!
Contact Lafe Tolliver, attorney, at Tolliver@Juno.com
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