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Just doing a fab job by anyone’s estimation. I mean,
she obtained jobs ostensibly based upon her profile of being
a black woman
She had photos showing her with what was thought to
have been a black male that she birthed and even a
photograph showing her and an older black man that she
indicated is her daddy.
This Rachel Dolezal had it goin’ on! She even became a
leader of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, Washington. She
talked about growing up in a teepee and even living in
Africa (note: both of which are not true according to her
distraught parents).
I mean, she had the street cred (at least according to
her own accounts) to tell anyone that she had the right to
say, “Say It Loud, I’m Black And I'm Proud!”
But, recently, her craftily-built house of cards came
tumbling down when her parents (both white) and one of her
brothers (four black kids adopted by her parents) blasted
her and outed her by saying, she is white as the driven
snow. She is genetically white as whole milk. She is
culturally white as copy paper. White..white..white!
Now, that should not make a wit of a difference in
regards to her efforts or work on behalf of people of color
but the fly in the soup is that she ostensibly lied about
her real DNA and family tree and used those lies to gain
“advantage” as a black person.
When I first saw the story about this caper, I froze as
though being hit with a two by four. I lost my breath and
when I got up from the couch from watching the story about
Rachel Dolezal, my legs were wobbly and I had to sit down to
regain my strength.
Why you ask? My confession is that I found out that it
was through the reading of one of my essays that I published
around the time that Rachel voluntary underwent a
self-designated “cultural reassignment” that caused her to
do a mental flip-flop and… voila! She became a wannabee
black woman.
How do I know this? When they interviewed her, mockingly
staring at me from the bookshelf behind her and as clear as
day, was my essay called, “How To Go from White To Black In
Ten E-Z Lessons.”
I must confess that I wrote the essay and sold it on
e-Bay as a lark not knowing that people would not only read
it but follow its lessons to a tee!
Imagine my shock when people started calling my office
about how did I educate or radicalize Rachel to do this
fantasy based transformation!
I was tongue tied to say the least. I could only
surmise that Rachel was then in such a state of mind that
she was susceptible to the book’s influences; and she saw it
as a way to reinvent herself and go from white to black in
order to fulfill some dream she may had about being a savior
to black people.
For those unfamiliar with my now popular essay, here is
a brief and condensed sampling of some of its contents.
I must warn you that if you are white person who reads
the entire essay, do not follow what it says or, if so, you
too can become a Rachel Dolezal type and find yourself
warming up to a plate of chitlins, greens and skillet
cornbread and not knowing why. Read at your own risk!
LESSON ONE:
Start calling your own mother, “Mammy!” Get use to the
sound of that word and use it often to start the needed
psychological wedge between your natural mother and that of
warming up to the black experience.
LESSON TWO:
Instead of saying, “Hi!”
start saying, “Wuzz Up, Homey!” This phrase will go a long
way to ingratiate you with your newly-found black brothers
and sisters.
LESSON THREE:
Go to a black beauty parlor and ask that they freak out your
straight hair with either dread locks or twistees. During
the whole process, repeatedly tell the puzzled beautician,
“Ya know what I’m sayin’?” or, “Are you down wid it?”
LESSON FOUR:
Regularly go to a tanning salon and ask them to caramelize
you.
Go until your skin at least matches a brown paper lunch bag.
LESSON FIVE:
Whenever you see a named Republican on the television and
you are with your white friends, tell them to turn the
channel or they will be some trouble, “Up in Here!”
LESSON SIX:
When you go out with your newly-found soul sisters and you
run into some black men, always remember to say out loud,
“Those are some fine bruthas!” as you nod your head.
LESSON SEVEN:
Whenever possible, always wear T-shirts or hoodies that show
a black college like, Tuskegee, Howard, Southern, Fisk,
Florida A&M or Grambling.
If asked do you attend the college, simply say, “Naw dog, I
just want to be there!”
LESSON EIGHT:
If someone gets suspicious of you and wants to know where
you are from, tell them, “don’t be dissin’ me like dat!”
LESSON NINE:
If you are ever invited to a Cotillion, refuse and simply
say, “Homey, don’t play dancing in white Gone With The Wind
gowns!”
LESSON TEN:
When you see a soul sister or brother at a mall and they
give you a quizzical look, give them the “sign” which is the
oh so slight up and down nod of the head with your eyes half
closed and keep pushing on. If that does not work, give them
the fist double bump over your heart. That is a sure sign of
solidarity.
I can only surmise that Rachel Dolezal got “caught” when
she did what no white person passing for black should do and
that is, she got real uppity and when you get that uppity
and you really ain’t black, it will tell on you!
Contact Lafe Tolliver at Tolliver@Juno.com
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