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Etiquette in the 21st Century: Maturing Into
Etiquette
By Robin Reeves
Soulcial Scene Contributor
When I was about eight years old, I ran away from home
because I felt no one was listening to me. My mind was made
up, these people (mom and dad), must not love me because
they are not paying me any attention. My complaint: why do I
have to go to bed when everyone else is having fun.
I made an executive decision to sneak out the back door,
down the dark alley to Hoag Street, up Vance St. to my
auntie’s (the late Willa Mae Russell) house. I had run
away. As I walked all the way (less than one mile), I
thought, now what are they going to say? I bet they will be
looking for me and then they will see how I felt, not loved.
When I arrived at my auntie’s house she said “what are you
doing here?” “Can I spend the night?” “Yes,” she said.
Great, my plan was working!
I went to bed and woke up to a big home-cooked breakfast and
laughed and talked with my auntie. She finally said, okay
it’s time for you to go home.
I began my long journey home thinking, I showed them. I’m
sure they have called the police by now and they are in
trouble for losing their daughter. Wouldn’t you know it, my
mom was not upset at all.
Mom said “Good morning, get your chores done before you go
skating (Ohio Skate Saturday morning). Wow I could not
believe this. My mom was not angry nor appeared to be
concerned. What happen to my plan, why didn’t I get the
response I was looking for?
So I said to my mom, I ran away. Mom: I know, your auntie
called and told me you were with her and that you were going
to spend the night with her.
As an adult I think back on this experience often especially
when I’m working with children. I don’t know if my mom
realized the impact her reaction had on me that Saturday
morning but she changed my life. This experience helped me
to reach my next level of maturity. The natural progression
of my internal maturity had shifted.
What does this has to do with Etiquette in the 21st Century?
I’m glad you asked. The maturity level of children and
adults in most cases determine how we treat others, solve
problems, emotional intelligence and how we set and achieve
goals. Etiquette is the ability to make others feel
comfortable with you but we have to first be comfortable
with ourselves which is part of maturity.
When I was eight years old, I lacked the level of maturity I
needed to solve my problem but my parents and auntie were
mature enough to handle my actions appropriately by respond
in a way that did not create panic or allow me to think I
could control them.
Edwin L. Young, PhD, The Natural Systems Institute Stages
of Growth in Maturity wrote, “The
way children and youth perceive and act seems to move, very
roughly, in pace with age progression.” A few factors Young
describes as contributors to maturity is intelligence, the
presence of mature adult models and a broader social
environment such as their neighborhood, school, religious
affiliation, along with income sufficient to survive without
undue hardship and hunger, and whether or not there are
adults in their lives whom they trust and who provide them
with skillful coaching for maturation. This is etiquette in
action.
At the Brains and Body Fitness Camp where I teach the Etiquette
Class with the help of my team, we have a wonderful group of
about 100 children covering grades three - 10 who are on
different maturity levels. We prepare our customized camp
curriculum by first understanding our audience and their
maturity level. We do this by adopting Young’s Natural
Systems Stars and Stripes Program approach to help identify
how we can effectively challenge, motivate, and develop
their proper etiquette and image skills. We observe five
out of seven potential levels of the children’s maturity.
The five levels are:
Level 5: The
child’s actions are guided by conventional Principles of
living.
Some
of the basic topics concerned with principles are: Honesty,
Integrity, Fairness, Responsibility. Compassion,
Perseverance, Respectfulness, Cooperation, Civic Duty, and
Courage.
Level 4: The
child’s actions are influenced by loyalty to peers. One
example of this level is
the surge for independence causes them to want to challenge and
defy the rules of adults.
Their awareness of
consequences in this larger world is, however, still limited
at this time (usually around age 13yrs.).
Level 3:
They are oriented to rules laid down by authorities with the
understanding that the rules should be absolute. One example
to this level is when
the child
can now control the will and behavior of peers with rules
like the parent does.
Level 2:
There actions are oriented to the power of those in charge
or those with the most strength or leverage in bargaining.
For example,
peers become
possible rivals, allies, or enemies and they rapidly
alternate between which of these possibilities their peers
will be for the moment.
Level 1:
They are guided by immediate or anticipated experience. One
example of this level is that there
is no awareness of their affect on others.
At the age of eight years old when I ran away from home, my level
of maturity was a level 4. After I thought about my actions
and the actions of my mom and auntie, my maturity level
shifted to a level 5. I learned that being led by my
emotions and feelings could have gotten me in big trouble
or, worse, killed. As our intellectual level increase our
maturity level should increase as well.
I’m sharing this with our readers because as we enjoy this summer
and prepare for a new school year, I want to encourage you
to observe your child’s maturity level or seek out a child
or youth that you can help through the process of maturing
into the young adult and eventually an adult with an
understanding of how maturity works. Remember, what goes
around comes around.
Peace.
Robin
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