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Can fractured relationships be repaired? Can mistrust,
resentment and other harmful consequences of a disconnected
people be healed?
I spoke with noted intimacy expert, Ebony Utley, concerning
fractured or dysfunctional relationships, a topic many
perceive to be emblematic of contemporary life in the black
community.
This is part two of our discussion.
Perryman:
Your conception of marriages or relationships gone wrong, as
you mentioned earlier, is different from most.
Utley:
Yes, my term for it is “intimus interruptus.” So, per the
Latin, it’s grammatically incorrect, but it’s conceptually
accurate, and it’s the idea that your intimacy with another
person is interrupted. And what happens after the
interruption is up to you and the partner and your partner
or your person.
Perryman:
What are the benefits of conceptualizing the issue in this
manner?
Utley:
It takes away a sense of failure when it comes to
relationships, marriages in particular. “Oh, our marriage
didn’t work out, I failed.” That’s not necessarily true.
It just means that you had an interruption and until you
decided that you couldn’t go back on the road that you
started. It also emphasizes this idea of decision making,
which is also something in communication that happens, has
to occur, in tandem with your partner. Are we going to do
this thing or are we not going to do this thing? Are we
going to talk about or are we not going to talk about it,
and if we don’t talk about it does that mean we go on our
separate ways now? Are we filing paperwork and doing the
divorce thing? But it requires decision making, and the two
of you can just decide to make a different decision. That
takes failure off the table, it just means you’ve decided to
do something else and you decided that together.
Perryman:
What, in your opinion, constitutes a healthy relationship?
Utley:
A healthy relationship is one where partners can have
conversations with each other about the things that are
important to them. You don’t always have to agree, but you
always want to be able to have a conversation, like “hey,
this is important to me, I want to talk to you about this
thing.” Whatever that is, whether it’s how you’re raising
your children or what you want your future career to be or
your spiritual perspective. But anytime you have to hide
parts of yourself from your partner because you know that
they would act out or they would punish you or they would
never 100 percent understand or try, then I think that’s a
problem.
Perryman:
Are there barriers to healthy communication with romantic
partners?
Utley:
Yes, because it takes practice and not everybody has the
same amount of practice, and that means there could be a lot
of misses. I’m saying this as if it’s easy, but it’s not.
Having a conversation with your partner about your greatest
fear is a very difficult and scary thing to do, but I think
that the end road that starts to make that more manageable
is to have conversations about communication with your
partner, like the meta-communication thing.
You need to know, if it’s
a difficult conversation, is your partner going to resent
you because you started it on a car ride that’s going to
take seven hours? If it’s a difficult conversation, maybe
you shouldn’t call your partner at work because you don’t
know what’s going on in their workday. At the end of the
day maybe you should say to your partner, like “hey, how was
your day? Do you feel like talking?” Because sometimes you
get home from work and you just don’t, so that’s not a good
time to have the "what about us" conversation. For some
couples maybe you need to schedule the thing. You know
what, every three months we go someplace for the weekend and
grandma has the kids and we decide that we’re going to have
conversations about all the things that have been building
up in those past three months and maybe the type of couple
that have the weekly check-in, but talking about
communication and knowing the best time to say those things
is key.
You want to say to your
partner, “Hey, I need to talk to you about something.” They
be like, “You know what, today is not a really good day.”
You be like, “Okay, well when would be a good day?” And
then actually get your partner to schedule something, “Well
okay, is it Wednesday, is it Monday, how many times do you
want me to remind you?”
That’s another thing
between partners. Nobody likes to be a nag, and men are
quick to be like “Women nag.” Well, men nag too, they just
nag a little different in a different registered tone, but
they also nag about things that they want. So you need to
have communication about how often is too often. Some
partners may say “You know, I’m forgetful, just whenever you
think about it bring it up until I take care of it.” Other
partners are like “Tell me once, I said I’ll get to it.”
You need to know these
things about your partner and the only way to know is to
have communication about it. Some people don’t like to talk
at a certain time of day just because they don’t like to,
it’s a meditation time or it’s their work time or whatever.
You have to respect that so that you can have the best
conversation possible. Some partners don’t ever fight in
front of the kids. Some partners will fight in front of the
kids, but they also agree to make up in front of the kids so
they can see that conflict comes with resolution, but you’ve
got to talk about those things. So one person may think you
just never like to fight, the other is just not fighting in
front of the kids. If you didn’t know that, you could
easily spend 18 years having poor communication in your
marriage.
Perryman:
So, communication is the key?
Utley:
Yes. It’s cliché, but it really is. However, this is my
add-on, it’s communication about communication that puts
that key in a lock, and I think that’s the part that’s
missing.
(Next week: Dr. Utley on
Infidelity)
Ebony A. Utley, Ph.D.
is an intimacy expert and associate professor of
communication studies at California State University Long
Beach. Her research explores intimacy interrupted by
infidelity and beliefs about marriage. Dr. Utley’s expertise
has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network and other
radio, print, and online outlets.
Contact Rev. Donald Perryman, D.Min, at
drdlperryman@centerofhopebaptist.org
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